Blogging?

I have not written in my old blog since 2 Easters ago. I love writing and getting my thoughts out but I am well aware that I tend to over share, I can not help it. Because of that I stoped writing, I felt too exposed, I wasn't sure what my motives were? All my life I have been this way, if I feel it more often then not I write it or say it, unfortunately even when it was not mine to share. I recall in elementary school the neighbors called my Mother to tell her that I would come over and share every personal conversation we had in our family that week. The thought never crossed my mind that that could be inappropriate. I remember the first time I visited Kim at college I told her room-mates all the updates about things there were going on back at home. And then Kim asked me to go for a walk and told me that she had not shared those things with her room-mates yet and would appreciate it if I respected her privacy a little more. At the time, I understood but I thought that was more her problem not mine, after all I was just being honest.

The problem is the older I get the more and more I am aware of the flaw in that, for me. I went through this stage where I felt that in order to be real, honest, authentic, and intimate with people then I had to share the good, the bad, and the ugly. I was proud of how easy it was for me to be open about my problems, I thought I was secure,a truth speaker, and more vulnerable then others. Ironically I thought my comfort in sharing my flaws made me somehow more humble than others.

For me, what I see more and more now is that sometimes my hurt, is just that *my* hurt and by sharing it I am not always being humble and vulnerable I am just causing more un-neccesary hurt in others . In what I was telling myself was an effort to be authentic and real I lost the desire to be disciplined and responsible. I would take my problems and make them others problems. Because once I shared there was expectation for whom I was sharing with to respond in a way that meet my need, or even if I did not have that expectation I know there are people, like me, in the world who feel that expectation regardless. So it started to look less humble and more self absorbed to me. Even if neither of those were true, there were still plenty of times that my sharing was just plain inapropriate.

Please know that I am not implying this is the case for anyone other then me. I don't think when other people share there feelings it is inappropriate or undisciplined. I am well aware that there are many people out there who are on the opposite journey. They have lived their whole life hiding and just desire to finally be seen and heard and it is scary for them to expose their hurts and be vulnerable. I am aware of that and I encourage those people to continue on their journey and to try to bring light into the dark places of their hearts. And I am eager to be a supportive player in their journey.

These thoughts are about me, and my journey, what I am learning about myself. The challenge then with the blog is that when I feel like writing and journaling it is usually because I have some sort if inner struggle that I am trying to resolve. So almost all of my blog post end up being me "over sharing". That is why I stopped blogging, I felt like people thought all I did was complain and I was embarassed and ashamed.

So I think where I am at in this moment is I will write and I will expect those who would feel annoyed and burdened by my sharing my struggles not to read it. I won't connect it to my facebook and advertise it. I will keep it private and if those close to me want to read it they can. And even in my inner struggles I will do my best to seek discipline in what I do say(which I have none) because Gods word tells me, "whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think about these things." and while I have the true part down the rest of it is still challenging for me. If I don't start being disciplined now in what I say and think then when?